Act V-Parody: Day in the Life of Hillary at Home Venting on Tulsi and Bill.

 

The scene is Hillary in her home office in Chappaqua, N.Y , pacing the floor. Bill enters the room to see what the matter is.

BILL

What’s go you so riled up, Hill? You getting some exercise steps in this morning?

He sits down on her office couch with his morning joe. She returns to her desk.

HILLARY

That military bitch thinks she’s going to steal my thunder and break the glass ceiling before me?  I…don’t think so!

She bangs her fist on the table causing her old telephone to resonate.

BILL

Who the hell are you talking about, Lizzie Warren? She’s never been in the military.

HILLARY

No Bill!  That young one in her pristine white pants suit who’s spent time in the military and is now a congresswoman.  Her!  That Hawaiian Hula girl. Who does she think she is, the bleeping Mother Teresa?  Who put her up to this? And why does she always wear virgin white?  That’s my signature pants suit from the last debate. She stole my look!

BILL

Oh…that one. She’s not even doing well in the polls.  Why are you so worried?  You’re not running anyways.

HILLARY

How would you know?  I do what I want, remember?  You always did what you wanted, now it’s my turn, buster. This is the year of the woman and my last chance!  Women are in charge now!  “The People” want me back in; but this chick checks three boxes that I can’t: the youth box, the woman of color box, and the military experience box.

BILL

He sighed, bit his tongue, and shrugged submissively while he reclined on the couch with his hands behind his head like he was in a shrink’s office thinking this is going to be a long session. But felt like Hillary should be the one on the couch.

So what’s your plan now, dear? And be careful.

HILLARY

I’m going to defame that filly before she gets out the gate.  I’ve got a podcast coming up tomorrow and am going to link her to the Russians like we did with “that impostor in the White House!”

BILL

Do you really see her as a threat? Come on now.  Checked boxes aside, she’s got no name.

HILLARY

She’s got an anti-war platform that could ruin my chances when I get in the race. Look what she did to Kamala. She figuratively amputated that poor woman in the first debate, leaving her bleeding on stage.  She may not have name recognition, but she’s got game.

BILL

Whatever you do, be careful.  You may get sued for slander this time.  She’s one tough cookie, that one. And she’s got the woman card. People look down on women who go after another woman.

HILLARY

Oh, I suppose you’re attracted to her and want to get into her white pants?

BILL

That’s not nice.

He paused for a moment smiling reflectively while he looked up at the ceiling.

Besides she’s way too young for me.

HILLARY

So you have thought about it! When has age ever stopped you?  She reminds you of that Monica bimbo.  Even looks like her!  You have a thing for her don’t you?! I hate that bitch!

BILL

Stop it! That’s ridiculous, honey.  She wouldn’t look twice at me.  I’m an old man.

HILLARY

But if she did, you’d be all over her like white on a white pants suit! I should have divorced you long ago, then I would have won the presidency. You have been an albatross around my neck!

BILL

Yeah, right.  Without my last name, you’d be a third rate ambulance-chasing lawyer.  If anything, you used me!  Have a nice day, Hillary.

He throws up his hands in disgust, rises from the couch, and exits the room leaving his tepid coffee and wife behind; but hides behind the door eavesdropping.

HILLARY

Used you…my ass!

She picks up the phone to confirm her podcast tomorrow, then starts mumbling to herself while placed on hold.

This will blow Hula girl out of the running.  Everyone listens to me, even FOX News.  Look what I did to that impersonator in the White House. Got Comey’s wife on board to help stir up the Mueller Probe through pillow talk.  Lots of ideas get started in the bedroom.  Not our bedroom, but screw it. I can do this.  Watch me!

BILL

He shakes his head when she mentioned their bedroom and returns to the living room for his morning nap.

A Day in the Life of Hillary At Home.