Act VI Parody: Day in the Life of Hillary Venting on Shutdown and Biden’s VP Pick.

 

living room interior
Photo by Alex Qian on Pexels.com

The scene is in her living room during the shutdown sitting with Bill in the afternoon at their Chappaqua, New York, home sipping her first glass of Chardonnay of the day.

HILLARY

It’s five o’clock somewhere, Bill. Cheers!  I’m getting tired of this damn shutdown of our state.  I’ve been drinking a lot more than usual. What the ef is Cuomo thinking?  And who the hell does he think he is, God?

She takes a large swill from her stemmed glass.

BILL

Now, now Hill.  If we don’t stay put, they’ll be shelter-shaming us if we leave the house.  The paparazzi is waiting outside our property like vultures.  Cuomo seems like he’s vying for the VP position with all those annoying pressers.

HILLARY

Mr. Covid-Cuomo thinks he will be picked as the VP?  He’s mishandled his state, how does he expect to run a country?  Plus he’s got a scandal of his own to explain with all the nursing homes deaths. And how long do they want us to stay indoors? I think he’s politicizing the virus to tank the economy even more. I feel like I’m on house arrest. I can’t see Chelse or my granddaughter, Lotte. At least we can still drink.  They haven’t taken that from us.

She cackles as she puts her glass up for a toast with Bill. They clink goblets.

BILL

Yeah, he’s done a terrible job in New York spending our high taxes on frivolous green programs and not preparing the hospitals for the next 9-11.  He’s definitely got it out for Trump too.

Let’s talk about Joe’s running mate choice.  Do you think he’ll choose you?

HILLARY

That old coot, who knows?  I should have been Obama’s pick for VP.  Why he chose him, I’ll never know. Even if Joe picks me, he’ll forget the next day.  But yes, I’d take the position as he won’t last much longer then I can slip in as the Commander and Chief and break that illusive glass ceiling…finally.

She stares up at their ceiling reflectively and cackles a wicked laugh then takes another sip of her wine some dribbling onto her chin.

Oops!  That’ll kill any stinking virus germs off my face for sure.

BILL

I know, dear, but unfortunately rumor has it he wants Michelle. She’s younger and will garner the Black vote; not to mention she’s adored by all. It’s a “sure thing” ticket: Biden/Obama. Get it?

HILLARY

Shut up Bill. Rumor schumer.

She pours another hefty portion of wine.

That vegetable garden maven? He better not pick her. She doesn’t deserve it. It’s my turn!   She’s always hated me and hates all Whites.  Wait till that news gets out.  She’d be running on her husband’s coattails anyway. And she wears wigs! And what was that book she published, Becoming?  She’s becoming?  Becoming what?

BILL

Bill rolls his eyes at her lack of self awareness at the hypocritical comment about running on husband’s coattails.

Meeeoooow!  Becoming vice president maybe.  Who knows?  Don’t get all catty on us.  No one hates a catty female more than other females.  You’ll alienate your base, and you don’t want to do that.

HILLARY

Don’t roll your eyes! Joe and the Obamas are so dripping in corruption with China and Ukraine I can’t wait to get what I know out there to the fake news.  Will they report it?  Probably not.  I’ll have to call Hannity or Tucker and let one of them know what I know.

BILL

Hannity?! That’ll be some interview.  We could probably get it for a “pay for view” and make some money on that one.

HILLARY

Hey, if he doesn’t choose me, who’s most entitled, all hell will break loose.  I’ll will go jihad on all of them and expose everything from “insurance plans” to “Dr. Ford” to “the Steele Dossier” to the “Flynn entrapment” to the “Mueller sham” to “Ukraine setup” to the “phony impeachment” and to this “pandemic fear”.  It will give new meaning to “scorched earth!”

BILL

Geez, honey, they could come back at us about our Foundation.

HILLARY

She shrugs her left shoulder and polishes off her wine slamming down her glass onto the coffee table.

That’s why he better choose me!  Otherwise we’ll all be in trouble. He knows I deserve it and will garner the most votes.  Even with his failing mind, he’s knows that much. I’m going to take my bath now, dear. I’m sick of talking about this everyday. End the shutdown!

She rises onto her wobbly feet and smooths out her colorful caftan.

BILL

Okay.  Take it easy, you polished off that bottle from last night and started a new one.

HILLARY

Get off my case!  It’s boring sitting home all day just the two of us!  I haven’t been in an interview in months and my base misses me. Check on me if I don’t come out in an hour.

BILL

I always do.

He shakes his head in frustration and let’s out an exhaustive sigh after she leaves the room.

Man, oh man.  I better place a call to Joe and let him know what Hillary is capable of doing.  Just as a warning of what could come down if she is scorned again.

tiles window bathroom marble
Photo by William LeMond on Pexels.com

 

A Day in the Life of Hillary at Home.

 

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